Are you smarter than a 5th grader, I mean oil changer dude.

I will begin by saying that I believe everyone should take a few brief moments out of their obviously busy day to ponder the fact that a place named Jiffy Lube exists. Maybe if I had given this issue adequate attention earlier I might have thought twice about the decision to get my oil changed at such a place.

I pretty much detest having to take my car in and so I'd been putting off getting the oil changed as long as possible. (Sorry Dad.) The reason I hate this so much is because I hate feeling like a stereotype and, even more, I hate feeling stupid. I may be a college graduate, but when I enter the world of mechanics I am definitely dumber than the oil change man. Aka, I know little about my car except that it is pretty and blue. (I'm sure you've figured out the stereotype for yourself).

The decision to head to Jiffy Lube to get my oil changed had less to do with well-researched information and more to do with the fact that on Saturday afternoon I got it in my head that if I didn't get my oil changed immediately my car was in fact going to blow up and Jiffy Lube was close by and open.

I didn't think this should be all that hard. "Hello, I'd like my oil changed please."

The oil change dude proceeded to list about 20 things that Jiffy Lube also checks for and asked me if this would be okay which I believe was his way of testing to see if I knew anything about cars. The blank, dumb stare on my face I'm sure confirmed that I was absolutely clueless.

While the men began working, I headed into the small waiting room and pretended to be reading a book while nervously glancing out the window making sure they didn't run off with Stella's engine. After a few minutes, I got summoned back outside where the real fun began. The oil change dudes told me that the bolts on the something that cover the oil thingy were rusty and they might break them trying to get them off. Huh? I figured this was the point where they asked me to pay extra for something or other but they didn't. I'll take strange and unnecessary information for $500 Alex. All of the men just stared at me with some serious looks on their faces. I, of course, had no idea what the issue was here or what was even in the realm of appropriate responses so I said, "Mmmm, rusty bolts," and kind of shook my head slowly with a mixed look of concession and disgruntlement. This was apparently sufficient and the men went back to work.

A few minutes later we encountered our next issue.

Oil change dude: (Sets part of my car on the counter) This is your radiator cap.

Me: Um... cool?

Oil change dude: Doesn't look so good does it?

Me: It looks like it's covered in carmel. Mmm, no, ah, doesn't look good. I have no freaking idea what a radiator cap is supposed to look like... why the need for the visual aid asshole? ...I don't even think this came out of my car...

Oil change dude: You should really get this changed and have the radiator gibberish gibberish gibberish.

Me: I see. I do see that you think I'm an idiot. And how much will that cost?

Oil change dude: $89.99

Me: Hmm, well wouldn't it be nice if we all had such money sitting around! You better just go ahead and write all those recommendations down for me so I can compare some prices and get that taken care of right away. Even if you aren't lying I don't like you.

Oil change dude: Ok. This is your air filter. (Holds up what I learn is my air filter).

Me: Um, cool? This is like a really bad Abbott and Costello routine or a game show I'm not getting... why is this man taking my car apart and showing it to me?

Oil change dude: It's pretty dirty (He shows me the dirt). You're probably losing gibberish gibberish fuel emissions gibberish. Would you like to change it today?

Me: Of course it's dirty, it's been in my engine! I think I'm good. I'll bet the new one would get dirty being in an engine too...

This was clearly not the most productive encounter I've ever had with human life forms. I may or may not have a car that is falling apart. I may or may not need a new radiator cap. I may or may not have won the grand prize or started my career in stand up. I hopefully got my oil changed.